Technical Difficulties

I think I'm having my own personal "technical difficulties." I don't know if it's PMS or what but I have been SOOOOOOOOOO moody and irritable it's insane. I'm also having some legitimate issues that need to be addressed I think. This post might be a little all over the place but I just had to get some thoughts and feelings out.

1) Okay so surprise, I have anger issues. I can fly off the handle at the drop of a hat...or at the first sound of a whine to start the day off. It's awful. I am so ashamed of the way I've been handling/reacting to the girls (mainly Karis). It makes me want to cry right now. I don't want her to grow up and only be able to remember an "angry mommy." Ugh, Lord please change my heart. Give me Your eyes and heart toward my children. What's wrong with me that I should even have to ASK You to do that?

2) I am just sick and tired. I'm tired of feeling like a 2nd rate citizen in my own home. I think it's just (haha, "just") the Wife & Mommy Syndrome. I've been feeling like I don't matter. My wants and needs come last. Which, yeah, that's what being a wife and mother is, right? I knew these roles would eventually lead to this but I guess I'm just dealing with the reality of it right now.

3) A. I'm tired of getting soaked at bath time. Turn it around Brittney: one day you'll blink and there won't be those little baby bodies getting you all wet at bath time. Besides, it's just water, you'll dry. Crying now.
B. I'm tired of wiping up messes with my own shirt (when I'm wearing it). Turn it around Brittney: You can wash the shirt.
C. I'm tired of the husband getting to do what he wants when he wants to ~ i.e. run errands, have time with God, take a daily shower...make that MULTIPLE daily showers. Um, why should he get to take MULTIPLE showers a DAY when I'm lucky if I get maybe 3 showers a WEEK???
D. I'm tired of the husband not taking responsibility for ANY of his mistakes. I'm tired of him getting mad AT ME when he makes those mistakes. For example, tonight he realized that he threw away my new cell phone that was still in the box (because I hadn't activated it yet). Instead of saying, "I'm sorry, I should've taken 2 seconds and checked the box before throwing it away," he gets an attitude with me because I left the phone in the box and left the box on the counter. How about taking responsibility for your actions (for once) and apologizing (for once)???
E. I'm starving for affection. The most affection I see from my husband is a peck on the lips when he gets home from work and a peck before he goes to bed. Oh I'll also get a hug here and there. He barely touches me...unless he's horny and wants something. I can't even get a little massage without him expecting something in return. He says he tries to show me in "other" ways that he loves me...like cleaning or doing laundry...which I do appreciate but I'm a woman and I need affection. I don't need candles and flowers and wine and rose petals on the bed as a turn on. I know his heart in doing all of that: it's romantic and yes, it's a beautiful gesture but chances are it won't accomplish what he wants it to accomplish unless I'm being warmed up throughout the rest of the day/week. That's the make-up of a woman.
F. I'm tired of getting all the blame for not spending time together. The other night he texted me (yes, texted) and said we needed to spend time together in prayer. Okay, if that's what's on your heart then YOU initiate it. I came in the living room from putting the girls to bed and he was laying on the floor surrounded by comic books with no intention of getting up in sight so I sat down at the computer. I remembered that he wanted to pray but I was waiting for him to take his position as the spiritual leader of the family. Did it happen? Nope. And guess what? He's probably blaming me for it. I'm "on the computer again." Yeah well how about you're in front of your comics again? How do I always get blamed? How do I always end up as the bad guy even though he's just as much to blame?

Anyway, I think this is all I have for tonight. Like I said, I know this post was kind of all over the place but it's just stuff I'm dealing with. Hopefully we can work through it soon.