Where do I begin?

I haven't written anything here in a while and I'm not sure where to begin. Thank God THIS blog is private so no one else will be reading it (at least I'm pretty sure no one else is reading it, they shouldn't be). I guess I'll start by saying that today was an interesting day. Lots of ups and downs. Had a blow out with my mom because Carrie and I have not been talking (at least for a LEGITMATE reason nowadays; usually it's just because she doesn't have time for me but THIS time she's actually upset with me about something...it feels no different than usual though).

Personally I think Mom and Carrie are over-analyzing the whole thing. It all started back on April 20th when I sat down to talk to Carrie before she left for a trip to FL with her friends around Easter. I had been missing my sister for quite some time (years really...she had come home to NJ over 4 years ago so not be an absentee aunt and to spend more time with family) and I really wanted some time with her so I decided to sit down and talk to her about it (which was also suggested by Matt, our counselor). Before I was even able to open my mouth about it Carrie actually suggested that we make some specific sister-time (maybe twice a month) that would be just for us to get together and connect and maintain/invest in our relationship as sisters. Well, it has yet to happen...3 months later. There was one time when we planned to go for a walk "after dinner" and Carrie said she was going to call me "after dinner" but I didn't hear from her until almost 8 o'clock at night and I was putting the kids to bed so it didn't work out. Fast forward to today, a few texts and emails later, and you have a mom and two daughters who aren't talking.

This is how I feel (whether right or wrong - I guess I'll work it out in therapy - here you go): I feel that as usual it's ME that has to work on things and do all the changing (which is fine, I'm all for self-improvement and have been doing a fairly good job if I say so myself) but Carrie flat out told me that "after really praying about it" she feels like she's (and I quote) "not wrong" in regards to anything here (with the exception of getting my hopes up with the idea of sister-time) and that she basically won't be making any changes. She's not a "one-on-one" kind of person (unless it's in a mentor type of role) and when asked if she made exceptions for anyone, even her sister, she said (and I quote) "I don't think I should have to." Um, ouch. So what you're telling me is that complete and total selfishness and unwillingness to change isn't wrong? I'd say you're praying to the wrong "god" if you weren't shown SOMETHING and can feel completely honest when saying "I'm not wrong here." I could say that same thing...I don't feel like I'm wrong. So once again, the person who is the MOST hurt in the situation has to (but is also willing to) do the MOST changing, is the one to be the MOST understanding, the MOST flexible (I'm giving up the "sister time" idea), the MOST apologetic (I could completely see how I made her feel and am sorry for that) and the MOST un-selfish (I'm conceding to her with my desires). Again whether right or wrong, that's how I feel. I feel like no one is truly understanding my feelings. Again, I'm not saying this out of anger I'm saying it out of hurt. I also feel like I was ganged up on by Mom and Carrie since Mom obviously agrees with Carrie (the same exact words were coming out of her mouth that came out of Mom's before Carrie and I ever talked) and she was yelling at me on the phone to just forget about sister time with her. She kept talking about being understanding, which I tried to be, but I don't feel like anyone really took the time to understand me. Carrie just sat there and lectured me about how I made her feel but barely talked about how she hurt me. I'm also hurt that she kept implying that I don't (or won't) love her if I don't get a specific amount of time with her. It's BECAUSE I love her so much that I wanted time with her and to invest in our relationship but I guess asking for 4 hours (out of 672 hours in a month) was way too much to ask. My love for her wouldn't have changed but I AM hurt that she doesn't value time with me, her own sister, the way she values that of her friends. If she felt like THAT was a high expectation wait until she actually DOES meet a guy who wants to pursue her, but that's beside the point. My heart physically ACHES with helplessness and hopelessness and I feel like I'm dealing with Jayme Koerselman again...so stubborn, so unwilling to see anything wrong with what he was doing or saying, so unwilling to change anything in himself but if I wanted to be with him then I had to do ALL of the conceding and ALL of the changing and had to give up MY OWN desires when all I wanted to do was be with him. It wasn't right and Carrie is acting the same exact way. It's pathetic. But as usual I'll be the bigger person and concede. I'm just so tired of not being understood.