To be perfectly honest....

I'm angry. I don't even know where or how to start. I was becoming good with the idea of only having two kids. They're getting older, more independent, I can (could) get more involved in school and was loving it. I'm not saying I don't want this baby. Now that I'm actually pregnant I'm becoming more and more excited to meet this new little girl but man has it been a roller coaster and I really wonder what the heck God was thinking when HE allowed conception to happen. *Which, by the way, it shouldn't have happened! Our degree of intimacy had been few and far between and only lasting a few minutes and he was ALWAYS careful to pull out before "anything" and we spent 7 years with him pulling out and never got pregnant. Then one day. Seriously God? The first question I have to ask is "Why me and not Valerie?" He knows the whole situation there and this has totally put a wedge between her and I. We were so close, I thought of her more like my sister than my cousin, and we pretty much haven't spoken at all (with the exception of a few text messages) in the last 5 months and I know it's because she can't be around me. I know I can't control how she feels but still. It makes me wonder if our relationship will ever recover or if, truly, everything will be okay once she finally gets pregnant again. My next thought is, "Where's the provision?" Maybe I'm totally unrealistic in my expectations but I assumed that, since we always felt it was God's will that I stay home with the kids to raise them, finances would accompany this new life HE gave us. Instead Kenny's car is on the fritz and more and more needs are popping up now that we to prepare for this little girl and we have ZERO resources to do anything. I'm beyond overwhelmed. The only way I know how to not be overwhelmed is to not think about it at all but then at some point I'm confronted with the issue and it all just comes flooding in. I feel faithless and I feel undeserving of His goodness and provision. I know it's not about how I FEEL and His goodness is not based on anything I've done but I'm at a loss. Anyway, that's all I have for now. Haven't written in this blog for myself in over a year. Figured I may as well start back up again.